Typical Encounters of the Snydley Kind

It’s a cold February day and David has come home to visit for the first time in months, which to Mom (me) feels like years. David and Jack settle in to rewatch “The Last Samurai” starring Tom Cruise, and since I’m too hyper to sit through a movie, I just watch once in awhile. Poor Jack doesn’t have much of a chance when David and I get together, but to be honest, we do our best to contain our natural tendencies.

Jack has this tendency to state the obvious throughout a movie, and for two smart asses, it’s almost unbearable. While watching Samurai, during the close-up of the Japanese woman who is housing the errant Civil War veteran, played by Tom, Jack states in sotto voice: “This woman is attracted to this foreign American man.”

David and I exchange glances and attempt to repress ourselves.

Several minutes later, following many such Captain Obvious expressions, a shot of ice thawing from a cherry blossom appears on the screen and Jack declares in his low voice: “Spring has come.”

David can’t take it anymore and tells his Dad that he should write for Hallmark. Jack replies that he is going to throttle David with a pillow. David says, “Only if you narrate it while you do it.”

At this point, I happen to look out the back and discover that half a dozen beautiful deer are gathered mere feet from our back deck. Mind you, we see them at times in the woods, but these huge creatures are only feet from our glass doors. Jack grabs the video camera. I say, “How did they get through the back fence, I wonder.” Jack says, “Oh, hon, those deer jump over a fence like it’s standing still!”

David and I exchange a glance.

Then Jack reprimands David to quit moving around so much. “What do you think they’ll do Dad? Open fire?”

Kidding David, I call him a smart ass.

“You raised me.”

Jack, who tries to never truly listen to what either of us is saying (and understandably so) says, “Nothing I did when raising you would make you move around so much.”

David looks at me and asks, “Is my nose bleeding yet?”

Jack says, “It’s going to be!”

David says, “That’s the first thing you’ve said that I’ve understood all morning!”

Good times. Good times.

Ask Jesus

The first month and a half of 2008 has been nothing but a lot of work—the feast from people who decide to get something done by hiring somebody to do it (me) that precedes the famine of we don’t have to look that busy anymore, let her starve. It’s the type of thing that makes me want to be one of those salaried folk whose work is like a steady meal.

One morning after a previous evening of working late again, I dragged into the kitchen, turned on the TV, and proceeded to make some toast when I heard an interviewer asking people what they would ask Jesus if they could ask him only one question. One person stated the old standby, “Why is there so much suffering in the world?” Another person schmoozed with “Why am I so blessed?” Then as I walked toward the set to change channels, one woman said, “I’d ask Jesus, where is Osama Bin Laden?”

“You IDIOT!” I shouted at her. She would give up the opportunity to ask about heaven and hell, seeing loved ones in an afterlife, or why we are here, to find out where that chauvinist terrorist goat is?

I have to admit that over the last few years, it seems like every time I look at the clock it’s 3:33 a. m. or 3:33 p. m. In my car, when I wake up in the middle of the night, when I glance at a banking sign, it just happens to be 3:33. Then I saw a T-shirt that had 333 printed across it, along with the message, “I’m only half evil.” Whoa! So I started thinking even more about my points with the big guy. With that in mind, maybe I shouldn’t write the list I’m about to write, because after hearing that woman’s stupid question, I remembered Dave Letterman’s Top Ten List and thought I’d compile my own of the ten dumbest questions to ask Jesus if you only had one question to ask.

10. Hey Jesus, do you have a good recipe for unleavened bread?

9. Hey Jesus, how do you keep that robe so white?

8. Hey Jesus, what’s my favorite color?

7. Hey Jesus, what card am I holding in my hand? No peeking!

6. Hey Jesus, am I going to get a promotion anytime soon?

5. Hey Jesus, does WWJD on those bracelets really mean What Would Jesus Drink?

4. Hey Jesus, why did the chicken really cross the road?

3. Hey Jesus, where did you go to high school?

2. Hey Jesus, does my next door neighbor dye her hair?

1. Hey Jesus, who’s going to win the Super Bowl next year?

Uh oh, I looked at the clock and it’s 3:30. I just lost three points!