Goodbye Ruby Tuesday

You know the old Rolling Stone’s words to that song: “Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind.” I think that’s happened!

Sooo, I’ve been thinking of some better way to make a living. I’ve come to the sad realization that many illegal immigrants and welfare recipients make more per annum doing nothing than I make working my butt off. So speaking of working my butt off, during one of my frequent late-night channel surfings I came upon a show called “Ruby.” It’s about this charming Louisiana woman who is trying to remember her forgotten childhood while working her way down the weight chart—so far from over 700 pounds to just over 300. This is a huge accomplishment, no pun intended.

So I’m thinking . . . If idiots can make money off of writing commercials where a discarded broom falls in love with a lawn flamingo or a bowling ball, why can’t I become my own reality show? Instead of getting on the treadmill and trying such bizarre routines as drinking a solyent green mixture of water and chlorophyll twice a day, why don’t I just go for the big give-up?!

Here’s my new show: “Becoming Ruby.” The simple premise is this: the cameras follow me as I work my way UP to over 700 pounds and try to forget my childhood. Get it? It’s a whole reversal thing. Should take me about two to three weeks to get there, maybe even a month or two. At least it’s FULLtime work. Snark, snark.