Monk Needed
I’ve always thought that truth was much funnier than fiction, but news organizations must by tradition report even the most ridiculous stories with a straight typeface. Such is the story I read in this Sunday’s Atlanta Journal Constitution, a.k.a. the most liberal paper published in America that would opt to put Bobby Brown and Whitney’s visit to a fish restaurant as front cover news surpassing that of a U. S. Presidential assassination.
Anyway . . . it seems that a Vietnamese monk of a Buddhist temple here in GEORGIA—isn’t that funny enough?—has had an affair with the wife of a congregation member. The monk’s name is Monk Nam Van Nguyen, who claims he was seduced. The article quotes the indignation of another congregation member Duac Nguyen, “no relation to the monk.” Later in the article, another church member states her concern. The AJC describes her as “Minh Chau Nguyen, no relation to the monk or Duac Nguyen.” At this point, I’m cracking up.
Here’s my favorite quote from someone who is finally not a part of the prolific Nguyens, Mai Le: “He’s a bad monk.”
Bad monk! Bad, bad monk!
Well, the bad monk has been deposed and we soon learn that, and I quote, “He’s living with another monk in the meantime.” Where the hell did he find another monk? Then the astute and fascinated reader learns that Buddhist monks are in short supply here in the South. Who knew or even suspected?! “You need to have a monk to function as a temple,” says another non-relative, Pham. (How about Nguyen’s roommate?)
Well, heck! Since the recent unpleasantness—what I call being unceremoniously fired from my job of 18 years, five years ago—I’ve looked for work wherever I can get it. This sounds like a possible gig. Nope, once again, foiled by that gender thing! Hmm, what if I changed my name to Nguyen N. Nguyen?
posted by Gail @ 2:55 PM
7 Comments
7 Comments:
The Vietnamese are pretty thick skinned when it comes to their names. They have caught enough flack by the Anglo community to chagrin the average bear; still they marshal on.
For instance, if you have noting else to do you might want to go to Long Duc Dong's website, http://www.longducdong.com/ for the latest Hollywood gossip.
In Vietnamese, the last name in the sequence is their given name, comparable to our "first names."
So, Nguyen Quang Dung is a Vietnamese whose buddies call him Dung. As in "hey dung, want to eat lunch."
Another common given name in Vietnam is hung as in Nguyen Quang Hung. There are some obvious theatrical mutations of these names that might be funny.
The clan name as in Nguyen, pronounced "new-win. So Nguyen Long Dong is Anglicized to Long Dong Nguyen and his buddies call him Long Dong if he is a good old boy--kind of like Billy Bob, or Jim Bob.
So, some of the improvisations could be humorous--if they are not already. Nguyen Hung Dong or and Anglicized Long Duc Dong--names that would get the average teenagers ass beat after school.
The point I'm making here is that the reason you can't get any decent kraut and kielbasa is because the Germans have cornered the market on it—that and zeitgeist and other uber-scrumptious dishes. I mean how would it look on the menu anyway to have Wednesday’s special as Nu Duc Dong Kielbasa?
The only question burning my brain is why do my relatives wait until the turkey is on the table and we start to eat before they start talking about recent adventures they have had with their bowels?
Oh waiter, waiter. Is there any Nu Long Dong left today?
Long Duc Dong was reported to be in intensive care Tuesday, after swallowing an appleseed. His sister Denise Dong, says that the appleseed became lodged in her brothers throat while he was presenting the merits of his editor to a group of budding novelists.
The thirty plus novelists were gathered to hear Professor Pounds describe the 37 steps to success he advocates in his new book "37 Steps to Solvency: How to Fool the IRS."
Duc Long Dong or whatever his name is swallowed an appleseed placed in his Grafetti Soup--a specialty of the house. The appleseed has been traced to an irate editory who has a long record of racist remarks regarding our Vietnamese brothers.
Oh waiter, waiter. Dr. Zeitgeist ate my kielbasa. May I kraut him in the head? Oh yes, mein heir, I support the use of preservative meats in drive by krauting.
The fact that no one has anything to say about my outrageous statements is provocative. Does no one think that a long dong superlative is worthy of comment.
Jesus, get some nuts. Tell me I'm full of shit--tell me I'm crazy--say something.
I apologize Gail. I'm just trying to see if there is life out there.
You're crazy, full of shit, and I'm still alive out here:) Thanks for caring.
Pink Floyd: Hello, hello, hello. . . is there anybody out there?
Thanks Gail, I knew I could count on you for confirmation:)
I think I should practice TM with QOD. Being from CA, she has all the insights I need to be successful at thinking of nothing.
She is funny and if you live in Georgia you need all the funny friends you can find--in addition to Gail.
Gail-
Didn't you recently interview a monk? Or was that being accosted by a monk-EY at a New Year's Eve party? I'm starting to blur the lines of your different blog entries.
But I sniff a definite theme emerging......
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