Photo Blues
Jack's been traveling a lot on business so he came up with this idea that he could use his frequent-flyer points to take me with him overseas, proving that he must be a masochist. I discovered that I had to make an appointment days in advance to apply for a passport now, due to the fact that Americans are required to have papers to travel outside of our country's borders, while everyone else has a free-for-all. Anyway, I just told them to go ahead and take my picture at the post office where I applied--bad idea!
I thought I'd gussied up for the occasion, until they gave me back a photo of an old, angry, overweight prison matron. Who was that person and how could they possibly attach that photo to my passport? For a mere $15 they shattered any hopes I had of being the toast of Europe. Well, actually I never harbored that hope, but up until then I thought it at least okay to appear in public.
Turns out I got sort of a reprieve, because they no longer accept birth certificates like mine--you know the ones etched on papyrus or chiseled on a granite slab. "We don't accept these certificates with footprints on them anymore," the passport official told me, explaining that I would have to notify National Geographic for a state-issued document. It's just as well, I surmised, because even I wouldn't let me into another country looking like that. Vowing to get on the treadmill and go on a water-only diet, I imagined that it would be just my luck to go missing in some country and they'd broadcast that gosh-awful photo all over the news. "Why are they even looking for her?" people would say. Then I'd show up unharmed, after days of trying to find my way back from the lobby to my hotel room. Oh the humiliation. As I drove home I saw a sign (and it must have been a sign) at the CVS Drug Store: Passport photos--$7.99. How could they do worse, after all? It remains to be seen.
posted by Gail @ 8:02 PM
5 Comments
5 Comments:
You should have told them you left your birth certificate on the mother ship. They would deny you a passport based on your mental instability.
You could use that as evidence in an application for disability. Disability pay would probably be more than you are currently making.
Then, like many people on disability, you could either travel and vacation or take a part time job to increase your income.
To confirm your mental instability, you can tell them that you have been contemplating suicide; recently you considered inhaling while standing next to an Armenian.
Govern employees do not have a sense of humor and you might get arrested or night-sticked. In which case you can file suit in addition to receiving you disability check.
Do all the above, then show them this blog; that will probably get you 100% disability--a tidy sum.
Are you kidding? Eight years ago I had a picture taken that was so bad convenience store cashiers would begin to giggle when verifying my credit card.
I used to enjoy having my wallet in my back pocket because I knew I was sitting on the picture.
I could lay the picture on the floor and insects would avoid the area.
My wife said it was better than ipecac.
My niece copied my license and used it for a 6th grade essay entitled, "why you do not want to grow up."
When your eyes are closed and your skin looks gun metal gray, that's how bad it can get.
I like Jerry's idea. After Europe you should detour through North Africa or the Middle East. Then you might get kidnapped by some virile, handsome young bedouin - like whatshername was in The Sheltering Sky. Of course poor hubby would be left with only memories and a passport photo.
El Moe
Jerry, you should work for the government; QOD--if only it were just the hair, and El Moe--bless you for suggesting that I might be kidnappable by a handsome bedouin.
The advice I gave you about disability is the same advice I have been giving one of my crazy sisters for years. Unfortunately, she is not sane enough to do anything except call me for money.
However, I think a good night-sticking might bring some balance to your perspective and provide the basis for a lawsuit that would subsidize your income.
Although El Moe's scenario is quite romantic, a more likely event would be your beheading for refusing to wear a head scarf or a niqab--being the cantankerous, independent woman you are.
More likely, you would be beheaded for making some kind of smart-ass, anti-chauvinistic remark in the presence of a sheik.
I picture you more in Greenwich Village, hobnobbing with pseudo-insurrectionist, uber-metrosexual, hyper-androgynous journalistic intellectuals. Actually, you can get the same demographic in Virginia-Highlands. Probably no kidnapping available unless you schedule it. Carjacking is the more likely fate for all of us.
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