Destructive Living

Home alone with the dogs again. Everyone out of town. Sooo I decided to clean out our old oak desk. Fun. It’s full of forgotten pictures, cards, and stuff I don’t know why we just didn’t put in the garbage. Anyway, I found “Life’s Little Destruction Book—512 boorish, insensitive and socially obnoxious pointers for leading a simple, self-centered life.” NO, IT ISN’T MY GUIDEBOOK OR SOCIAL BIBLE, thank you very much! Nevertheless, it contains some really good pointers. Since I have nothing else to do except productive things that I don’t want to do, I decided to share some of the pointers with you. (The first one can be accomplished soon, if you’re willin’.)

*Call friends during the Super Bowl to talk out your problems.
*Tell people they have bad breath.
*Be unprepared for public appearances.
*Ask if a present is returnable.
*Crack the spines on good books.
*Comment on weight gain in others.
*Ask how people are but don’t wait for a response.
*Always be right.
*Tailgate the elderly.
*Take the biggest piece.
*Lie with statistics. [Love it.]
*Open gift checks at the wedding and announce the amount. [Diana/Michael, an opportunity.]
*Give distances in kilometers.
*Pinch your spouse’s love handles. [This one could be lethal!]
*Slap people on the back.
*Don’t know when to stop.

Umm, guess I should stop. But here’s one of my own, dedicated to my two brothers-in-law.

Ask for my recipes and then, even when I’m standing right there, tell people how it’s made like you made it. Then take it a step further and ask for my chicken recipe, make it at social and family gatherings and rename it MARK’S CHICKEN. Damnit!