Dumb & Dumber 2008

Dumbest Question 2008: From the local UPS store, I sent an edited manuscript to a client. Soon afterward the client sent me an oops e-mail that they had forgotten to notify me the company had changed its address. I called the UPS store to ask for a rerouting. The young store clerk seemed quite perturbed. She sighed audibly and asked me, “Well did you know this was the wrong address when you sent it?”

Most bizarre dog story 2008: During the holidays, my 12-year-old pug was sleeping next to me on the bed. In his defense, he’s getting aged, grizzly, and arthritic and has never been anything but a Teddy bear. Jack got up earlier than me and decided to pick the pug up. Suddenly I heard Jack yelling, “That S.O.B. bit me!”

“What?!” I’m groggily asking, as Jack in full temper re-enters the room from the bathroom, bleeding from the lip and grabs the old dog in anger. Old dog then bites Jack another time—once again on the face. At this point, Jack wants to kill the dog. I’m yelling, "Stop! Calm down!" David, home for the “holidays” enters the room asking, “What the hell is going on?!”

Conclusion: Dog still alive. Jack recovering but very angry (and I think justifiably a bit hurt, though he won't admit it, for two days). Sister Jennifer asked me how a man over six feet tall was bitten twice in the face by a pug. “Is it a flying pug?” she quipped.

When men hear this story they consistently state: “I would have killed that dog!”
When women hear this story, they consistently state: “Poor old dog; he’s just old and was startled.” (I’m going with that one.)

Strangest voting conversation 2008: My friend Jill and I went together to an early voting location. The line wasn't very long, but a voter volunteer went down the line handing out forms to be filled out. Jill asked him if we were at the correct location for our voting precinct. He eyed her for a minute and asked, "Do you have any hot chocolate?" After he assured us that we were in the right location, inquisitive Jill asked why the heading on my form differed from hers. He answered, "Because her hair is shorter!" pointing to me. Joining in, I then asked him why my form was printed in German. He looked momentarily stunned then blurted, "I bet you caused trouble in Sunday school" and re-entered the building. Actually he was right. I did cause trouble in Sunday school.

Most bizarre Christmas gift 2008: Night vision scope for me from Jack including instructions to “Invade the night!” Love it, but I see some trouble comin’ in 2009!

Second most bizarre Christmas gift 2008: I gave my neighbor a wooden sign printed with the words “No Peein’ Off the Porch” because I understand that, by his own admission, he does this regularly. He seemed to take it as law, whining, “But I like to pee off the porch!” Then I showed him my night vision scope.

Happy New Year Everybody! Gird thine loins!