"Don't Write" Advice

Possibly the worst advice that counselors and recruiters give to people is, “Do what you love.” As far as people who decide to become writers are concerned (with of course the rare exception of best-selling authors) this advice sucks! Most people who go into professions that involve writing do so (in their hopeful youth) with the belief that one day they may actually become the rare beast mentioned above. By the time we realize that ain’t gonna happen, we’re not only burnt out, we’ve learned to hate what we once loved. Now we not only hate what we can’t make diddly doing, we no longer enjoy writing as a hobby.

So headhunters and career experts, please at least make an exception for wannabe writers when doling out this useless advice. Tell people if they love writing to do so on the side and then go get a job doing something they hate. This saves a great deal of time and will probably give the people a better chance of keeping a roof over their heads and food on the table. Believe me, a higher education and years of experience doesn’t count in the writing field. Why? Because every person out there who wisely chose another profession thinks that if they only had the time they too could be writers. For most of the population that’s an incredible misperception, but it explains the miserable fees that they offer for “professional” writing services. This fact holds true for corporate and freelance work. Here are some amusing, actual offers from an online freelance site:

Title: Travel Articles Ghostwriter Needed Category: Writing / Editing / Translation Description: Ghostwriter needed for 10 articles on Travel Articles. I will provide the keywords for the 10 articles after I award the bid to someone. Willing to pay $50 for ten well-written articles. Specifications: 1. 10 keyword optimized articles. 2. Optimized for search engines for the keywords. 3. Articles must be unique and not be found by searching at Google on any "particular phrase" from a well-provided article. 4. Articles must be well written, informative and on topic. 5. Price must include research. 6. You must be willing to do unlimited revisions in order to satisfy my requirements.

Oh my gosh! What an opportunity! This person, who not only requires unlimited revisions, is also offering a grand total of 50 U.S. dollars for 10 well-written, researched articles. What a deal! Or maybe I could just go and mow two yards at $25-$30 a pop in half the time. Moron.

Here’s another great offer (with spelling unaltered):

I am looking for a creative writer with an interest or background in weight lifting, weight training, bodybuilding, or power lifting. I am in need of a ghost writer to create articles that I can publish at my discretion using my name and web site name. It is a weight lifting informational web site. Articles related to increasing your bench press, powerlifting, weight lifting, strength training, and or bodybuilding are needed. The length of the articles should be approximatelly 1100 words. Pictures are not needed. [Thank God for that perk!] The project pays $10 per article and I'm looking for 10 articles a month on a continous basis. [$100 a month! Be still my beating heart.] Here are samples of my writings so that you can get a feel for my writing style and sense of humor.

Yes, I can see that this person has a great sense of humor if not only for suggesting that so many writers are out there who also happen to be body builders and who are willing to stop power lifting to earn ten whole dollars for probably about at least five hours worth of work. Yes, I think $2 per hour is well worth the effort and fulfillment of giving you not only good content, but the byline as well, you colossal ass.

The sad part is that writers who have been advised to do what they love actually take this kind of work!

I’m also always amazed that people have no concept that writers can actually write about different subject matter after interviewing the appropriate people and doing research. (That’s what we do!) Hence, the plethora of jobs descriptions that say things such as “Looking for content writer for site about loving dogs. Must have experience and writing samples regarding a mixed-breed terrier with one spot on hindquarters named Dewey. Otherwise, you need not apply! Willing to pay one cent for every 5,000 words.”

Or, “Want to write my life story. Unless you have lived in a parallel universe and have experienced everything that I have, please do not apply. This includes saving the life of an Orca whale while being a double amputee.”

Corporate offers aren’t much better:

Must oversee all corporate communications and communications staff; be adept at Adobe, Excel, and Photoshop. Minimum 10 years of experience is required; master’s degree or higher. Excellent writing skills and samples in sales, advertising, small novellas, and large historical novels. Willing to cook meals for overtime employees while writing all correspondence, proposals, books, and articles for 5000 self-absorbed Ph.D.s. Must supply published writing samples re: a man named Ross Huffenfeffer—a strict requirement for consideration.

Salary: Up to $14, 500 (Or we’ll just let the mailroom clerk do it in his spare time.)

You know, there are a lot of words out there, and a lot of poorly paid schmucks (such as me) writing them. Whenever fresh-faced, happy kids come to me and say they want to write for a living, I truly don’t want to burst their bubbles. The best advice I can give is, “Make a fortune doing something you hate and/or are truly ashamed of. [Sentence ended with a preposition!] Then write a best-seller about it.